Friday, October 8, 2010

Free Critique Friday - Michelle Jefferies

First things first - the winner of Anne Bradshaw's TRUE MIRACLES WITH GENEOLOGY is....

Kimberely Griffiths Little!

Congratulations! I hope you enjoy this wonderful book! Please send me an email at amiegr8tstuff (at) aol (dot) com so I can make sure this is sent to you asap!

Now on to the query critique. This weeks query is by Michelle Jefferies. Thanks for your bravery, Michelle!

Original:

Corporate soldier Antony Danic has never killed an innocent man — or doubted the integrity of the people he works for—until now. First, a not-so-subtle death threat from a fellow employee is directed at both him and his wife. That, combined with the fact that his last few assignments resemble personal revenge instead of corporate espionage, make him ask questions, and he’s not sure he wants the answers.

With the announcement of his wife's pregnancy after ten years of infertility, he realizes he must protect the most innocent life of all—his unborn child. When he botches a hit, his carefully woven security net begins to unravel. And as he scrambles to find a safe way out of his "till death do us part" contract , he faces the decision of his life: continue with business as usual—or do what's right, even if it puts his family in jeopardy.

Emergence is an 87,000 word work of science fiction. I wrote Emergence as a stand-alone; however, I have story lines planned and written for a series following Antony in the future.

Revision:


Corporate assassin, Antony Danic, has never killed an innocent man—until now.

During a dinner with friends, Antony realizes that his last assigned hit was a mere preacher. Learning this information only adds to the doubts beginning to form in his mind. When his assignments start to resemble personal agenda, instead of corporate espionage, he realizes what he thought was reality, is a lie. Just weeks before, while on vacation, Antony received a death threat from a fellow employee. It appeared that the corporation was unhappy with his performance on his previous hit. Even though he hoped it was just posturing from corporate, he began to re-think his safety, and his employer’s integrity.

When Antony botches a hit, his carefully woven security net begins to unravel. And as he scrambles to find a safe way out of his employers "till death do us part" contract, he faces the decision of his life: continue with business as usual and kill another innocent man—or do what's right, even if it puts his family in jeopardy.

Emergence is an 87,000 word work of adult tech suspense. I wrote Emergence as a stand-alone; however, I have story lines planned and written for a series following Antony in the future.

The BIG News:

Michelle presented the revised query at a conference and received two FULL requests from editors at national publishing houses!

CONGRATS Michelle!

You owe me some writing cookies. Chocolate chip is my favorite ;P

12 comments:

Stina Lindenblatt said...

Wow, I liked the first one, but the second one really popped out at me. Amie, you must have read the book, because there's no way you could have rewritten that query like that. ;)

Good luck, Michelle, with your novel. Sounds like a great story.

Jen Daiker said...

Wow... I'm in awe at the transformation! I'm with Stina on this one, the first one was really nice but the second really popped!!

Best of luck Michelle with your novel!!!! You've got a great story here!

Congrats to the winner of the novel!

lbdiamond said...

Nice revision! Congrats on the requests!!! :D

Tamika: said...

Loved this! The revision was beautifully executed. It detailed the dilemma with tension and intrigue.

Amy Allgeyer Cook said...

Nice work on the query. It sounds like a great book!!

Chocolate chip cupcakes coming your way!! :)

Sara B. Larson said...

Wow, congrats Michelle! That's so exciting. :D

Pendragon said...

Yah, i'm waiting for cookies too! lol :) my order would be oatmeal raisin though. Or even her infamous snicker-doodles. Totally yummy stuff.

Rezden said...

Very cool. Following and looking forward to more.

Amie Kaufman said...

That's so exciting! I can see why the requests--the original was great, but that revision is fantastic!

Kimberley Griffiths Little said...

Oh, wow, I won?!? I'm excited, Amie! Off to email you! Thank you so much!

Noble M Standing said...

Amie, I'm so sorry I'm so late in posting this.

THANK YOU!!! for your help on my query. It's simply amazing and I soooooo love it.

nick said...

Better would be "HAD never killed an innocent man"?