Monday, November 22, 2010

How To Torture a Main Character

For the best torture ever, simply administer one Lasix pill. 40 mg ought to do it. But you have to give your MC this pill before:

A) a major agent requested revision is due
B) housecleaning for guests
C) packing for vacation
D) all of the above

Then sit back and watch as your MC is glued to the toilet for the next 27 consecutive minutes and:

A) her legs fall asleep for sitting so long
B) other characters gather and laugh outside the bathroom door
C) these same characters pin signs to the bathroom door that read "OUT OF ORDER" or "Out of Commission for the next 24 hours. Hope you can hold it." These signs must also include illustrations of toilets overflowing.
D) these hilarious characters (who will soon be grounded) slip items under the bathroom door while laughing.
These items consisit of:
1. pen and paper (might as well work, right?)
2. magazines
3. diapers

Have the husband stand outside the door and make comments such as:
A) "Bet you feel ten pounds lighter!"
B) "Better flush before it overflows."
C) "I think you just made a new world record!"

After 27 minutes have the MC emerge from the bathroom, shaken and numb, only to race back in the bathoom five minutes later. Every time the MC tries to get comfortable and relax, have that Lasix pill kick into high-gear sending them to the toilet, yet again.

Repeat this for the next 24 hours.

If your MC can emerge from this as a person who:
A) can tolerate harrassment
B) has the bladder the size of a rhinocerous
C) can laugh at themselves
then you've successfully tortured your character and refined them. They are now ready for anything that comes their way.

Have fun!

warning: do not attempt this on living people. ever. they will be scarred for life.

8 comments:

Stina Lindenblatt said...

I was about to ask you why you were ODing on lasix pills.

This pretty much sounds like being pregnant, or when you've decide to increase your water intake, and start drinking 4 liters the first day. ;)

Terri Tiffany said...

Hope this isn't from fact:))

Erinn said...

AWESOME!!!! I hate cleaning my house for company-- it's so futile, in 30 seconds it's just going to get all FUBARED anyway.
Thanks for sharing WAY TOO much information about your bathroom habits.

Amie B said...

@ stina - ODing would have been bad. very bad.

@ teri - unfortunately it is from fact.

@ erinn - any time my friend. any. time. :)

lbdiamond said...

Hmmm, that's a pretty diabolical thing to do.

I'm sorry it's from fact. :-/

Casey said...

Best blog post. Ever. xD

Rose Cooper said...

okay, since we're all being honest here--Lasix? I had never heard of this before. My first thought was that term for laser eye surgery. But I think that's spelled diff. After reading this and snorting tea through my nose, I have a better understanding, lol.

In response to your post- "oh. Amie." sigh. Only you. lol

Amie Kaufman said...

Oy. Ability to laugh at self definitely required! (Get much work done with the pen and paper?)